FAQ's

BDSMers: Explanation
BDSMers are into some form of kinky sex, power exchange, roleplay, strong sensations, fetishes,bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, masochism or something like that. Basically something kinky in some way.

BDSM -Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism and Masochism according to some

We use it as a convenient shorthand rather than a tight definition.  This is done only with consent, which SM educator Dossie Easton defined as an active collaboration for the pleasure, benefit and well-being of all concerned. Safe, Sane, Consensual is another phrase you might hear.

There are people into BDSM of all genders and sexualities. Some people find out about BDSM while exploring their bisexuality and vice versa. At BiCon you may see people being more open about all of their sexuality, including BDSM and there is space to discuss what we do and why.

Frequently asked questions about BDSM

What is the difference between BDSM and abuse?
In short, consent. We aim to clearly divide making love and rape, a judo match and a mugging, and in the same way we ask whether any kinky act is done with the fully informed consent of everyone concerned. This isn't just is it OK? but Is this what we all want? Is this good for us all? There is an article by Jay Wiseman (at http://www.greenerypress.com/articles.htm) which covers this issue in more depth.

How does BDSM sit with feminism?

There has been a pretty acrimonious debate within feminism and between some feminists and some BDSMers. Some feminists support BDSM play, while being quick to point out any real life power differences that it may exacerbate or hide. Others are against it.

How can people enjoy pain?

Many people enjoy kinks that don't involve any pain, BDSM is a broad area and you can pick and choose what you enjoy. Some people don't enjoy pain but like the feeling of being scared of it or of being able to take it, just as some people like horror movies or power-lifting. Sometimes, when you are very turned on for example, a light scratch doesn't feel like pain anymore it just blends with pleasurable feelings. The body produces all sorts of internal chemical responses to pain and these can give rise to euphoria. Some people simply find pain turns them on. This doesn't mean they enjoy all pain all of the time, it depends on the context.

Is it dangerous?

Some kinky things, such as dressing up in rubber, are particularly safe and much less dangerous than certain non-kinky sexual acts. Other things we have to be more careful with. We tend to look after ourselves and our lovers and play-partners. This is a question of making informed and empowered decisions based on controlled risks, just like rock climbing or crossing the road.

What about more extreme fantasies?
Most people don't read a murder mystery and then worry about stabbing their next door neighbour.  Provided people understand the differences between hot fantasies entirely in the mind and the practicalities of making some of them come true with willing participants, we will all be just fine and have some pleasant dreams too.

Is it sexual? is doing BDSM play with someone cheating on my partner?

For some people, their kinky play is always sexual. For others there may be a strong sensual feeling but it isn't a genital turn-on. Sometimes people in relationships need to talk more about what limits and boundaries they want with others. Making too many assumptions or going against the spirit of an agreement while still following it to the letter tends to lead to problems and upset.

What do the words "top" and "bottom" mean when SMers use them? A bottom is a person having something done to them in a BDSM scene by a top. A top may be dominant and a bottom may be submissive or a masochist but this isn't necessarily so.

Resources about BDSM

There are some good factual books on the subject. Grant Denkinson likes ‘The Topping Book’ and ‘The Bottoming Book’ by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

There is plenty to read online on the web, try the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm frequently asked questions (at http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm) or ‘Informed Consent’ (at http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/) which lists BDSM club events, social pub meetings and the like.

If you are intereseted in groups in Hawaii email us.